Update December 2, 2015

As I am sitting here waiting for my laundry to be done, I thought I would write a quick update as to what I have been up to. It has been a few months since I have wrote on this dang thing and have a lot of catching up to do. It has been a crazy few months and I know it will only get crazier. In 13 days I have court and I am freaking out! I have never been in trouble and I have no idea what to do. I still don’t have a lawyer and I don’t even know if I really need one. As for everyone that has no idea what I am talking about, you will just have to wait. I will not post anything about this subject until court is over and I can go about my life. I have been unemployed now for almost 3 months and in those 3 months I have realized that I have a problem. I have no motivation and basically I could lay in bed all day and no one would know or care. Yes, my husband does care that I don’t do anything but there is nothing he can really do. He works all day and then comes home and sleeps. I am so proud of him for getting his promotion and working so hard. I just wish we could have moved back to Vegas like our plans were. I am tired of being in Utah and I am ready to start a new chapter. I need something different and I need someone to be there for me. Yes, I am capable of taking care of myself but I just want someone to show they care about me and want me to get out of this funk. I am so thankful Samuel got this promotion because there is no way in HELL we would have been able to make it this long without asking for help if he didn’t. It is really nice being able to go to the store and not having to worry if we are going to be overdrawn. The first year of marriage or so we were always worrying about that because we were both in school and we were just making enough to make it by. We were both getting paid about minimum wage and only working at most 20 hours a week. Thank god that is over and we don’t have to stress about money right now. We are not rich and we cannot afford to go on tons of trips but we have enough to purchase food, pay rent, and pay bills. That is all we need. Anyways, I am getting off topic now. As you probably caught, I no longer work for SUU and am basically a stay at home mom for our animals. I take care of the house, laundry, and make dinners when we are home. It is a fun gig but I am ready to get out there and start doing something. Having all of this time to myself, I have realized that I love art and artsy projects. I started created my own graphics for fake businesses and have been loving it. I am by no means a professional but I am learning. I have had numerous interviews but no luck as of yet. I was stressing out about it but now thinking about it, it is probably a good thing I am not working yet. I have only been taking one class this semester and am taking four next semester. That is already a huge improvement and if I was taking those classes and working, I might be in the same spot I was in a few weeks ago. I was so depressed about everything. I just about used up all of my Xanax because I could not sleep and just relax. I finally am feeling better about everything. Yes, my life is not perfect and I am no where near where I wanted to be now but I have a wonderful family and husband to support me. Next semester, hopefully I will be able to pull it off and do well. I do not want to push graduation back again. I want to be done and I want to move as far away from here as possible. I want to move back to Vegas but have mixed feelings about it. I hate the heat but I love being near family. My family should just pack up and move somewhere else together. We could all start off fresh. Haha, yeah that is not a good idea. I am sure God has a plan and will help me succeed and do what is right. Just need positive vibes for court and once that is over I will be able to start getting over everything and then I will be able to do what I need to do to succeed.

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Update

Well, I haven’t been on my blog in over two months so thought I would come on here and just write about what has been going on. As you all know in June my grandmother passed away and that was extremely hard on me. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for a few years and have been doing pretty well with coping with it until she passed. I had many sleepless nights and a lot of anxiety thinking about things and what I could’ve done differently. Finally about a month and a half later I was able to sleep and cry a lot less! That didn’t last very long though. The first week back to school for my final semester was supposed to be the happiest days, except it wasn’t. Monday evening we get a call from Samuel’s family about his grandfather. Jerry was in the hospital since May and was not doing well at all. They planned to take him off the ventilator the next day. Instead of going to classes the first week we drove down to Vegas to be with his family and spend our last moments with his grandpa. His grandpa has been a big part of my life as well since we started dating so I knew I needed to go say goodbye. We spent all Tuesday at the hospital and talked to Jerry before they took the ventilator out. We asked if he wanted to see Glamis his dog one last time and he closed his eyes real tight signaling he did. We asked again to verify we weren’t just imagining things and he did it again. No one wanted us to bring the dog in there but we knew that is what needed to be done. Wednesday we woke up, got dressed, and headed to the hospital again. Jerry’s vitals were still great but he was still on morphine to help with the pain. We talked to his family and no one still wanted the dog to come. This really pissed me off so as soon as everyone left I drove over to Jerry’s neighbors house to get Glamis. Here is where it get’s weird. We had no idea where Glamis was so the day before Kerry and I walked around the neighborhood trying to find her. The very last house we stop at we see her in the window but no one was home. So Wednesday night I drive to the house and have Samuel knock on the door. Glamis was there! We tell them to story and drive Glamis back to the hospital to see her dad. She jumped on the bed, cuddled him and even sniffed his hands. She knew that was her dad and he knew his puppy was there. His hands started moving as if he wanted to pet her so we put her leash in his hands. You saw his face light up. Glamis came a little closer and her fur rubbed on Jerry’s hand. His fingers wiggled and Glamis laid there for a few moments longer. at about 11pm, one hour after we brought Glamis to the hospital we had to take her back. We loaded her up in the car and drove her back to the neighbors house. That evening we were planning on driving back to Cedar City so I could get back to classes but because it was too late we didn’t want to drive and my mom asked if I wanted to go to the cemetery to put flowers on my grandma’s headstone because her birthday was Friday. Thursday morning we wake up to a call from John. Jerry was having a really hard time breathing and they were going to raise the morphine from 5-6. Several moments later they raised it again. And again. And again. Samuel rushed to the hospital and my mom and I went to the cemetery. After we were done she dropped me off at the hospital and I sat with Jerry. I have a really hard time holding hands with someone when they are sick and have an even harder time talking to them. At my grandmothers viewing¬†it took me¬†hours and hours to finally touch her hand and that was a person I spent 18 years living with. Well, at about 1:30pm I started holding Jerry’s hand and telling him that it was going to be okay and that he didn’t have to worry because I wasn’t going to be Mormon right now. (Samuel and Kerry thought that was funny) I was still sitting there holding his hand and we all started to sing. His pulse lowered, blood oxygen lowered, and his breaths kept getting slower. At 1:57pm the monitor rang and the nurse came in… he died holding my hand. Ever since then every time I hear an alarm go off or I close my eyes I think about sitting there watching him. I honestly didn’t think it was going to be this tough because I only knew him for a short time but he made a huge impact on my life in such a short time.

Long Day…

Well today has been a very long and exhausting day. Woke up early and couldn’t turn my brain off. I have done nothing but cry. Everything I see reminds me of her. I have her lotion next to my bed, her pictures in my hallway, her clock in my living room, and other stuff all throughout the house. I have listened to her voicemails and videos 1000 times and it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier. I miss my Gram. Even though when I was younger I always said when I was mad that I wouldn’t care if she died I never really meant it. She was always there for me when I needed her. I still can’t believe she is gone. I miss her.

Dear Gram,

After days of thinking and crying, I have finally stopped blaming myself for your death. There was nothing I could have done any differently to prevent your death. As my mother says, everything happens for a reason. Although I am not happy with this happening I am so grateful for all the wonderful memories we shared. You were always there for me and I know you will continue to be there for me in spirit. I will graduate this year with my Bachelor’s degree for you. I know you are near me probably reading this over my shoulder and I just want you to know that I love you and you will always by my hero. I will never forget all the wonderful things you have taught me and I will always thank you for helping me become the person I am today. Even though I am probably not the best person I could be, I will continue to strive for excellence to make you happy. You will always have a special place in my heart and I will never forget the last words we said to each other, “I love you.” We didn’t say those words much but I always knew you loved me, I just hope you know that I loved you. I promise that I will continue to help others, just like you have. And I just hope one day I become a fantastic grandmother to my grandkids just like you were to my sister and me. I love you Gram and I miss you so much.

June 1, 2015

My stomach is in knots. I am trying to fight back all of the tears but every once in awhile a few run down my face. I am still in disbelief. I am fighting all of the feelings I have and all of the hurtful things I once said about her but I know I cannot change the past. I am glad I got to say one last goodbye and I love you. I have so many fond memories of her. She was a great lady. She was always there for me when I needed her even though we fought almost everyday. She was the most honest person I have ever met and I guess that is where I get it from. My grandma was such a great lady and she just passed too soon. I think the thing that is getting me the most is that it was so unexpected. She was the last grandparent I had and I really did not take this last year vey seriously. I never went to see her when I was in town. I never called her. I never told her how much she meant to me.

Watching everyone going through all of her pictures makes me want to just run away and makes me want to just disappear so I do not have to deal with it. We should not have to be doing this. I just talked to her. I just hugged her. I just told her I loved her and I would see her soon. This was not supposed to happen. She was still supposed to be here lying on her bed.

I still cannot process all of this. One minute I was in Cedar City unpacking from our month long trip to Vegas and other cities and the next minute I am running to my car with no bra on, no makeup on, and my hair a total mess, crying hysterically.

I still can hear her voice when I close my eyes. I can still feel her giving me that one last hug and wiping off her chapstick that got on my face after one last goodbye kiss.

I know I wasn’t the best granddaughter but she meant everything to me and was a big inspiration to me. She was the one that was always home when I would come home from school. She was the one that would take us to church and blast Meatloaf on the way to and from church. I remember the funny songs we made up and the nights laying on her chair as we watched TV and she rubbed my arms with her fake nails.

“Go down Moses way down in Egypt’s laaaanddd. Tell Oh Pharaoh to let my people go. goo oooo let em go go gogogo. Let my people go oo oo.”

You never know when it will be yours or your loved ones last day on this earth, so tell them you love them often. Life is way too short, too short to live with regrets and too short to live life with so much anger.

I know she will be with me, I just wish I could hug her, kiss her, and tell her I love her one more time.

I will miss you Gram. You were such an amazing person and you will always be in my heart.

Apart.

I feel so numb.

The only thing I can feel are the tears running down my face.

I will always remember your smile, your love, and your grace.

I can’t help but think about all the things I could have changed.

I could’ve been there by your side,

I should’ve been there for you while you died.

I will never forget the things you taught me,

or even the last talk we had about Grey’s Anatomy.

I will never forget the time you threw and orange juice bottle at my head,

or all those times you tucked me into bed.

I will never forget your little sayings,

or going out to the buffet and Tori and I taking turns paying.

You will be forever in my heart.

You will always be my grandma even though now we are apart.